October 28, 2019

Health, Personal

I Lost My Big Brother Yesterday #FuckCancer

Created by Ali Coşkunfrom the Noun Project


At 5:30 yesterday morning, Lynette called and let us know Ricky’s breathing had changed and wasn’t looking too good. We rushed up to hospice and have been sitting here with them all day and it’s been such a bizarre experience.

His breathing is apnea like – stopping and starting, every few breaths. His lips and hands are losing color. He isn’t super responsive, drifting in and out of consciousness. His movements are slow. Sometimes he appears to be in pain, but other times he looks completely at peace.

The worst part of this whole thing is we don’t know how long this part is going to last. The nurses can’t tell us if it’ll be hours, days or weeks. It’s such a heavy thing to deal with – and on one hand I feel selfish and want him to be with us longer, but on the other hand I want Ricky to be at peace, in the glory of heaven.

This process is so, so hard. 😔

prayer cloth

UPDATE: Ricky passed away last night at 8:15, in the midst of our laughter and joy – we spent the entire day recounting so many stories, sometimes laughing to the point of happy tears. We teased him and recounted the times he teased us back, we talked about how he stood up for me and Randy, Lynette told us about how they met and the day they got married.

We prayed, we cried, and then we laughed some more.

And then on his own terms, he let go.

It’s weird, but this morning I feel so light. I know Ricky is in this amazing place where we will see him again, he’s in a place where he doesn’t have cancer and with the people he loved, who loved him right back.

And when it’s time, I know we will see him again. 🕊

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