Today, I was supposed to be walking across the stage to receive my Bachelor’s degree in marketing from Colorado State University; instead, it’s become the most anticlimactic graduation I could have ever imagined.

I was supposed to be nervously sitting with my fellow graduates.

I was supposed to wear the cap and gown.

My mom and step-dad were supposed to fly out and watch me finally graduate college. Maybe even my grandma, too.

I was supposed to look at my husband, and my parents, and with a tear in my eye, move my tassel from right to left as I choked back my tears.

I was supposed to have my “Richard and Emily watching Lorelai graduate from business college moment” with my parents (Gilmore Girls really is the most relatable show of all time).

But instead, I’ll be sitting on my couch.

I’ll most likely be in yoga pants and barefoot, with a cup of coffee in my hand.

My kids will likely get bored watching the internet broadcast and ask if they can play a video game or something instead.

Randy will most likely have to leave to go to work before my name flashes on the screen for a brief second.

My parents will probably ask me to text them when it’s time for my name to be called up.

My grandma won’t even be able to watch, because she doesn’t have the internet.

I’m a first generation college graduate in my family.

My mom? She worked a blue color job her entire life (who just retired yesterday, actually!) and my grandmother was a housewife for hers. Going to college was only a pipe dream for them, and they always pushed me to be the best I could be, because they saw my potential. My step-brother (who is the same age as me) graduated from UC Davis with his Bachelor’s degree after only four years after our high school graduation, but my life took a drastic turn at 18 when I aborted college to raise my son, get married and live my life a bit more unorthodox.

I spent the next 19 years going to college, from one school to the next with our many moves. I’ve studied everything from English, business management and human resources, to fine art photography, photoshop and art history. I’ve actually completed well over the minimally required 120 credits for a degree, but because of our moves, my fluctuating “what do I wanna be when I grow up” major changes and school transfers, it took a bit longer.

I’ve stayed up late studying. I’ve written thousands of pages of papers. I’ve given up my Sundays to finish classwork more often than not. I’ve cried actual tears (because honestly, who really NEEDS upper level math on a regular basis?!).

I have looked forward to this day since the day my little 17 year old toes touched the grounds at the University of Redlands back in the fall of 2001. I thought about this day as I typed with one hand and spoon fed or breastfed a baby with the other. I thought about this day every time I busted out a 10 page paper the day after shooting a 12 hour wedding and aching from head to toe. I thought about this day every time I would get asked what my education level was.

Class of 2020, I feel you on a spiritual level because graduating and earning your diploma is something that deserves to be celebrated and honored.

And it’s all just super anticlimactic. It’s disappointing, frustrating and I’ll go ahead and say it: it sucks.

But I’m not going to let that deter me from feeling proud of myself. I’m going to proudly proclaim that I am a college graduate. I’m going to proudly check the box that says “Bachelor’s degree” when asked my highest level of education is.

Today is my anticlimactic graduation day.