Anxiety is rearing her ugly head right now, and it’s been building up pretty bad the last couple of days. I am in the single-digits now before my weight loss surgery, and I’m in this weird anxious state of fear and mourning. The surgery itself is scary, but that’s not exactly what I’m afraid of (although let’s be honest: surgery is always scary and risky). I’m afraid of the change – of not being able to go out and grab an ice cream with my kids after a hard day of yard work, or enjoy a beer while BBQing dinner. I’m afraid of never being able to go to a theme park again, and enjoy some deliciously terrible-for-me food because it’s part of the experience. I’m anxious that I’m going to be hangry and mean to my family because I get a bit grumpy when hungry. There’s a deep dread in my soul that I’m being super selfish and that my family is going to be angry with me, because life is going to change pretty drastically for me and for them, by extension.

My anxiety is playing mind games with me, and it’s scaring the crap out of me.

So! I am going to turn the tables and think about the positive and stop psyching myself out and continue to work on my mental health (like in this article from BetterHelp). Since we are in the final countdown before my weight loss surgery on June 30th, I wanted to share all the reasons why I am doing this. Weight loss surgery is something I’m entirely grateful for, not only because it’s going to save my life but because it’s going to give me my life back. What do I mean by that? Well, when you’re an overweight person, there are things that we experience that others can some times take for granted. And rightfully so; everyone should be free of these kinds of experiences and feelings.

50 Things I’m Looking Forward To After VSG Surgery

1. Reduced knee pain
2. Reduced ankle pain
3. Reduced back pain
4. Reduced hip pain
5. Reduced neck pain
6. Reduced inflammation in all my joints
7. Smaller boobs (yep, I said what I said!)
8. Not having to buy retrofitted parachutes for bras (seriously though, bras for larger women are ridiculous)
9. More stamina and energy
10. Looking down and seeing my toes
11. Not worrying if my body is touching my neighbor on airplanes
12. Not sucking it in and holding my breath to buckle my seatbelt on the plane.
13. Not worrying that I’m not going to fit on a theme park ride with my kids
14. Giving myself a pedicure without having to hold my breath
15. Being able to tie my shoes without having to hold my breath
16. Being able to shave and see what the heck I’m doing (eeeek)
17. Getting rid of my obstructive sleep apnea and the mask that goes along with it
18. Not worrying about developing into full-blown diabetes (I have mild pre-diabetes right now)
19. Crossing my legs comfortably
20. Not getting that irritated line of skin from jeans around my waist
21. Shopping in the regular women’s section for clothes
22. Not having to lean the driver’s seat so far back because of my stomach
23. My stomach not hitting the steering wheel when I drive
24. Continuing my mental retraining to not rely on food to deal with feelings
25. Setting a better example for my kids
26. Giving myself an opportunity to grow old with my best friend
27. Feeling more confident about my appearance
28. Not feeling like people are judging me before they even get to know me
29. Being able to cuddle with Randy and not have my belly be in the way (it’s almost like being pregnant, KWIM?)
30. Having my kids be able to wrap their arms all the way around me when they hug me
31. I got two words for you: chub rub
32. Reducing my medications
33. Reducing my social anxiety because I feel like I’m being judged on my size
34. Reducing my fear of not being valuable to society because of my size
35. Not seeing “morbidly obese” under my listed medical conditions
36. Not meeting new doctors and having them tell me I need to lose weight as the first things out of their mouths
37. Reducing my chances for a heart attack
38. Reducing my chances for cancer
39. Carrying less weight so I can move my body more without feeling like my body is on fire the next day
40. Not being asked when I’m due when my youngest kid is almost 12. It’s so embarrassing!
41. Not having the seatbelt slide off the correct position because of big boobs
42. Being able to walk up and down stairs (or going hiking) without being winded and out of breath
43. My shirt not riding up and exposing my midsection because of the roundness of my belly area
44. No more FUPA (IYKYK) 😜
45. My boobs not catching every crumb that falls down
46. Feeling full; I honestly can’t remember the last time I really felt full after eating a meal
47. Being able to slide past people in tight spots and not worry about touching them
48. Being able to zip up my boots around my calves
49. My shirts not stretching out in weird shapes
50. Living my best life ever.

Prayer Request

I don’t often ask for prayers and positive thoughts, but I’m asking now. The fear and anxiety is very real, and my daily meds, emergency Xanax, talking about it and staying off Google can only do so much. I believe in the power or prayer, and that’s what I’m leaning into these next few days.

Be sure to follow me on Instagram (@xoashdurham) to keep in touch with me over the next few days, weeks and months as I document my journey!